I used to get medical debt when single. I had a $400 bill. I made $800-900/ mo. So I also had no medical, was bipolar, had tumors in my feet. My boss said I was slow. No fun. I was getting nowhere.

     No help. No advocacy. I went to a church and I was unliked. They were cliqueish. I was 30 years old. So I left. I had a collector get INTO our house and knock on my BEDROOM door about a collection. I answered thinking it was another tenant. I felt violated that another tenant let him in. It was a secured home. Maybe he walked in. There was no justice for that.

        So I got a collection notice. A lawyer “friend” said I had nothing to gain by showing in court. They “had” me. So $400 was “processed” and became “$2000” to “compensate” their lawyer and time in court. Please forgive me.

       I mean, forgive me if the next thing I say offends you, but I MUST tell you, describe in body parts, the price of this incarceration of my income. My income went from about $850 to $650. My rent was $350/ room. My bus pass was $55. It wasn’t my choice anymore to pay. It was being pumped out of my wages as I made them. I kind of feel like that warrants death. I felt hate for all who were killing my means! I didn’t wish they were dead, so I inverted it. I felt DEEPLY, DEEPLY ashamed and alone.

     At one point, I called up another hospital threatening collections (I am immune deficient and independant and was single then),
I called an left a message:

     “You guys want to put me into collections… this is the second in a month… do you know I am becoming depressed. Right now I am looking at a 50 foot extension cord that I have…” (I was. I HAD one.) I continued, would it be the thing to do to HANG myself TONIGHT on the MARQUAM BRIDGE RAIL?? I mean, I got one collection on me. A second is more than I can bear…”

       The next day my brother called me. He said that Emmanuel hospital- the one where I was born- had done something to this day is a wonderful loving verb in my arsenal… they “zeroed” my bill. My brother said they called my mom and he hoped I was “happy” the hospital listened to my “manipulatory” message. I was embarrassed it went to my mom, wished my brother would stop saying I was in collections because I didn’t act. 10 years later it is ten times worse for him. He has been mad at them like its war. Well, it is. He sees now. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

       So anyway, that grace from the hospital who called my momma, the hospital who brought me into this world “zeroed” my debt! The staff- the reception staff, were moved in heart and concerned for me! I was liked! It made me stand. And once my money began to be siphoned, $200/ month from a very sick man, I stood tall like steel.

       Steel melts. I quit the grocery store. I went temp to Precision Cast Parts of Milwaukie. That was 2006. In 2008 in the “New Universe” of my Worldly Salvation, I would go on, up the ladder 5 rungs to Russian Owned Evraz to make steel pipe for Alaskan replacement. The chance of a lifetime. I did quality control. Every 40 foot segment of pipe… 1″ thick and 4″ in diameter cost $12,000 each. The steel comes from a “Bubble Tape” (the gum) shaped coil- 7’x 7′ 7′- a hurking 35 TONS… carried by crane overhead. You get gone under that fucker. And uncoiled, it came down half a football field, then we wore astronaut suits and blasted it in an “E.T.” containment tent. The roughed steel is then crammed through a mean mold and spiraled. Welded by computer. That’s what goes up to the $9M State. Pipe comes out, and moving is cut. So I almost died because I lost my air and the suits secure outside. Well…… the 35 TON reel has to be replaced and then welded to the end of the other. When the end comes in, its DefCon 5 or whatever… Everyone in the tent gets behind a super cage of 4″ thick steel as the blasting continues. The middle weld has been known to come undone. Hahah. They say the rip of 5+ tons of steel flying airbourne like an angry stick of gum is scary as hell and I don’t know if anyone gets fired. I found a piece os steel in the garbage. 3″x3x”x 1″. Not to say I took it, but I took out the garbage. Well I won’t tell about the guy who yelled at me and the other who nearly killed me because he hit me with a bus the son of a bitch. He got fired. So anyway, if you are suicidal, now in debt, maybe- you are destined to recover and have people attempt to kill you. But you are STEEL. Not even a bus could fuck you up (pardon) and you go flying 10 feet and limp like terminator.

       So. I did collapse. In 2006 I lost everything and was rescued by people who respected me. I was off the grid. I met my wife this way. How can I stay mad. I reformed my anger like molten steel. I wanted to terminate the people who threw me in debt. I’ll tell ya, its a “clean kill” to get a meth and coke snorting supervisor TERMINATED.

    Blood in (I bled to become a steel child) Blood out (They’ll have to brand me all over and still I will have the advantage, because:

The Lord is my Shepherd
I do not need a Glock
He makes me sit down
Sometimes to shut up
He tells me what to say
Its Him saying it
Even though I walk through crapola
I don’t give a shit
Because there is no time to
He kicks my ass for his name’s sake
At least I’m on his team
Surely I should be thankful
To be loved and love is wealth
And one day, I will look at God
I will say, “What is up, Top Dog?”
And he will smile and say
Come on in, son