How to Retire

       By Downtown Milwaukie ©

             First of all, why? Why are you going to retire? Well… I will walk you through it, you schlubbs. Its your fault. You drove over a nail in the highway. What kind of tires are you buying? Maybe you’ll buy better ones. I have better things to do.

       First of all, yell. Yeah. Yell. You are in your garage at home. If you are on the highway, forget you, buddy. Call that Triple A. Jimminy. Are you serious? No. Were at home. C’mon, people. Okay. Yell.

      “Mabel!”- or what’s YOUR wife’s name? “Mabel! I need a rag!” Look, you don’t need a rag. But when she comes out, hit her up again. Give her a big kiss and act like you’re gonna go all the way right there on the hood. Then back up and say, “Mabel (your wife’s name here), I need a drink. Maybe we can fool around later. Geez.” Mabel goes back for a lemonade, all affected like.

       Get your new tire ready next to the scene. Put a jack under the frame of the car. Crank it up higher than you need to. Crank them lug nuts off and put them on the hood. Take the rag and wipe the grease off the axle. Dab your face with a little grease. Do some jumping jacks and work up a sweat.

    Put the rag on the hood and wait. Wait for your wife to come back. When she comes back, stand close to her and drink the lemonade and exhale so your breath pushes her hair to the side. Then say, “Mabel, I’m all washed up. I don’t know if’n I can lift that tire. But if I can get to your kitchen and pop some pots and pans around…”.

      Then you put your mitts on your little lady and the rest is history. You call up that buck tooth high schooler next door at dinner time and pay him $5 to put that tire on, and there you go. So that’s one way to retire. I hope you learned something.