“Things A Spork Isn’t Good For”
   
     By Downtown Milwaukie

Paperweight

Icescraper

Pencil sharpener

Skeleton key

Ice skate

Currency

Tire jack

Fire starting implement

Wedding gift

Weapon

Door stop (in a hurricane)

Back scratcher

Paddle

Stylish Hat

Communication device (long range)

Shovel

Bookmark (not if your book is in a bumpy vehicle, so “no”)

Can opener

Pill splitter

Knitting device

This is stupid

Turkey slicer

What I mean is

Shish-kabob skewer

Do I really expect

Boomerang

People to read

Weed wacker

This?

Riot shield

Yes.

Duster

Do you have

Toy

Anything better

Pest control

To do?

Pain killer

Hmm?

Neck tie

Probably not.

Identification

Means of transport

Telescope

Screen saver

Food

Bookend

Fishing net

Buoy

Candle holder

Another random thing

Maybe this

Maybe that

Maybe another

Or the other

Keep going?

Keep going.

Are you sure?

You are sure.

How sure?

Pretty sure.

Are you certain?

Almost certain.

What makes you so certain?

     “Oh, please!”, you say as I actually stop at the moment you were wondering, “What is this guy’s problem?”. I don’t have a problem. YOU have a problem. And do you know what it is?

      I’ll tell you. I guess. I mean- I don’t have to. But I feel sorry for you. Look, first you decide to read a frivolous little thing about sporks. You probably grew up with them. You went down my silly list. And then into “normal” writing. A second paragraph, no less. And you are still tracking?

    Into a THIRD paragragh? Don’t you have anything better to do? Yes. You do. So do it. Go on. Some of you might. “Goodbye to you who are leaving! I mean it. Thanks for playing.”

      But for you who have made it past the list and into THIS- now the FOURTH paragragh, I have NEWS for you. Congratulations! I can’t do this forever. But you may long remember this- that it ends HERE.

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