What constitutes a feeling of annoyance? Something you subject yourself to? Something imposed upon you? Unwanted sensory input? Unneeded or injurious crossing of the path of what or whoever?

Example:

    I was in middle school and this kid with buck teeth who hung out with bigger stoner kids would pinch me really hard. I was a temperate kid. I got along with everyone. I began to find REASONS not to like this guy!

    It stood out that I couldn’t see his eyes through his coke bottle glasses. He was small and short and his hair looked scuzzy. He said to me that he smoked pot and it didn’t “hurt him none” to which my thoughts almost audibly retorted, “Yeah… and you’re stupid. You’re probably a little runt from wrecking yourself with marijuana use during puberty, you dork.”

Annoyance Analysis:

By judging any weakness of the “annoyer”, which I did without thinking much, I ascertained that what made this smaller guy appear powerful was his friends and his fearlessly irreverent attitude toward a “pacifist me”. His nature tells him I look like I need to be razzed and “get a reaction”.

     My nature was to be really careful about boundaries with others to avoid extremes. Just get along. Well I could see something was started. I didn’t initiate action but I could tell something was happening from him. It was creepy. Through those thick glasses I couldn’t read his eyes. It was spooky.

        This was bothering me. I was hoping he’d just stop. But he didn’t. I had already accumulated a value on this guy and what was possible. You have to be aware that a person will react with little thought under higher pressure situations. I want to bring that up at the end of something to hold ONTO. And this is what happened next…

Ending The Annoyance:

     I suddenly felt this scrawny kids chest against my hands. My hands flew out from me because they could. There was no decision, anymore than breathing is a decision. My body demanded primal SPACE! I was having my space scratched!

     I immediately felt a lightening in a tension that had been there in me for mere weeks. It seemed like months and like I was almost underwater. This must be what bullied kids feel like? I couldn’t say, because the bullying problem and suicide problem overlap. I am just saying one point that I must stress!

        This is the pressure I was feeling before a reaction that was automatic and instinctual. It is faulty self-preservation to hide by “backing into yourself through suicide”. People commit suicide because they have become dishonored! That feels not only like utter helplessness but if a kid feels like a wimp, a chain-reaction of atypical “Jr. Samurai” shame starts.

     I say “Jr.” because we’re not talking about hardened excons yet. I say “Samurai” because middle schoolers are capable of adult scale intimidation and homocide. That must be an incredible burden to feel the risk of your kids going to school.

Position Of Power:

      I can tell you one thing that helped my mom (and dad) feel better when I went to highschool (which benefited ME too):

  My parents had confidence in ME.

    I can tell you another:

  I believed in a strong God, and I believed in the dominant authority of teachers and on campus police dominant over student social structure. As for God- not just a kindness-showering one. Kids are taught to not judge and let everything slide. Having people and a God that are BIGGER as well as BETTER than us is GOOD.

Finally, my parents believed in the same God, basicly. They didn’t tell me how to worship or what to be. They exposed me to choices- a lot of good choices, and let me go.

What Else?

    There is no conclusion to being hunted. But as with that first junior bully, his weapon was a pinch. You do better to be aware of back up, even if its only at the end of the day. I can word all of this any different. I don’t feel well today, heh- so I picked a painful memory.

    

   

   

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