“Looking Back”

       When I was nine, I had these thoughts. In my mind, I look back. I look back to where I drew a diagram of the universe. I drew a circle of everything. I imagined stars in it. (That’s what an artist does- they imagine what they do not draw.) I was perplexed. What was beyond that?? I drew in my mind a bigger RED universe. Beyond THAT? More. Orange. Yellow.

       I back up to my current knowledge of light. I was adding light. Light is written in a spectrum from invisible to ultra violet, passing through visible colors to infrared and invisible again. The linear thought gives two dead ends. Nice. So I was a kid and thought of unreachables and came up with color. Now I come up with colors and find invisibles.

      In my mind I take infrared and ultra violet and connect them or overlap them. Why? It seems more logical to clasp open ended things to something. I think the color of invisibility is black. But astronauts say that outside our atmosphere that space is a very dark brown. Color. Every color? I don’t know. Stars are supposed to be every color. They look white. Are they? I’d say, “no”, but I don’t really care what the answer is.

        I look back to when I was 1 year old. I have no memories, unless they are inside me somewhere. Are they? Yes. Are they replayable? Maybe. But if they were I doubt I would be able to distinguish the memory as mine, so, “no” they are not replayable. They are gone from me. Does that make me sad? Kind of. I saw a picture of a cute kid. He was fat. They say its me. No. I am not sad. He was happy. Me, I mean. I just can’t recall.

      Remembering things you don’t know is basicly taking others’ word for it. I used to wonder if I was adopted. Not because my brother told me I was. I imagined it probably as a natural reflex to assimilated my family as “real”. Are they? What I meant by “real” back then was family. Are they and were they? “Yes” and “yes”. What is reality? Its what is realized. If I do not personally realize something is it real? Maybe. Maybe not.

         Looking back, I was a fetus. I really was. If light was shone on me, I would have been see-through. Was I really a fetus? Yes. Is that a fact? I think so, yes. There is a record of my birth and many witnesses to a pregnancy and my family was real. I look like my parents and act similiar too. I was once not myself at all. A piece of my mom and a piece of my dad converged. I do not remember. If I did and I was thinking, would I say, “What just happened?” No. My brain wasn’t formed. It formed and I don’t know what it did, but I think the programming took over. As a zygote, I had a 1:2 chance of going off course anywhere during 9 months of gestation. Those odds suck. Was I scared? No. Then I was brave? No.

     Before I was conceived, the two pieces needed to make me had around a 1:1,000,000,000 chance of connecting. Had my father so much as sneezed, another torpedo would have made it. But I didn’t exist yet. Had my mother so much as sighed differently, coughed or not laughed at a joke, that spherical microbubble that was sailing along would have rotated and perhaps the thicker side of it would have blocked the kamikaze. Maybe NOBODY would be conceived. Maybe a girl with blue eyes and dark hair. Would she be my sister then? No. I wouldn’t exist. Would she be now? Yes, because I am IN the family now and maybe there was TWO ova, and we’d be fraternal twins. We’d be born and gang up on my brothers and cousins and we’d be friends. Maybe. And probably both born in late March or early April 1974. But then I would not have met my wife. She was already born and its doubtful we’d have ever met. Weird.

     I think before that to all the uni-cellular zygotes. Billions that made it. Billions that did not. Back through the 19th century. Aw, skip back to the time just before Christ. Mary & Joseph obviously liked eachother. An angel said there would be a baby, so “hands off” and “its all good”. Do you know that certain larger animals can give birth without a father? Its called “parthenogenesis”, or (virgin + birth). I heard quoted from an agnostic scientist that the functioning components set “just right” for a parthenogenic birth are one in one quadrillion or 1:(1,000,000,000)². The naive optimist would say, “Oh, gosh… so you’re saying there IS a chance???”. It would be more probable to be a bum and say to Geena Davis, “I love you, but I stink and so do you… will you marry me?”, and Geena Davis searches her heart and sees that she TRULY IS completely zapped and wants to give up her reputation into a life of self-depreciation and poverty and be with someone who smells because she has a father who raised her off kilter that way, and she sees the beauty in this ungrateful man. Huh. Is a virgin birth possible? Well yes, of course. Only, well, the similarity in what I just said is that Jesus went from riches to rags to the ungrateful who did not love him because he had love to give to clean us up. And I don’t think we are so bad. I mean, don’t we look at people and bums gratiously? Actually, there WAS a movie about Geena Davis and a bum she cleaned up to be pretty handsome. Ha. Oops. So here’s a picture- an ova from Mary… nothing from a man… things come into place… and a zygote, embryo, Jesus. Its possible if you were to test the DNA of the Son of Man, it would have only shown him to have DNA dirivitive of a female. There is a lot of mystery about him, even if you are “of faith” you have to admit there is both reality and oddity to it. I find that mostly… cool.

       Going back, Pharoah wasted a lot of time on a pyramid. Methuselah probably spent 121 years in hospice. Of course not! Well, maybe. And the Garden of Eden. Play it backward and Eve is sitting there looking at Adam waiting for him to wake up. Back further, if we tested the DNA of Adam, would there be a mother?
So Adam had no mother and Jesus had no father. Except God. Jesus is called the “Second Adam”. The first one (through Eve) destroys communion with God. The second places things in order again, takes the heat for death. (We really shouldn’t worry about death. He did a lot to make it so we wouldn’t have to worry.)

     And back to present day, I read old words about the vety beginning spoken by the messiah, “That they may see the glory I had with you (father) before the beginning of the world!”. What WAS that?